


Rescuing E.T. with Harry Potter

by TeaRoses



Category: The True Meaning of Smekday - Rex
Genre: Character of Color, Dark Agenda Challenge, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 14:06:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaRoses/pseuds/TeaRoses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The time Gratuity and J.Lo rescued the alien.  Well... sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rescuing E.T. with Harry Potter

I don't talk about my whole life in the journals people can see, because honestly some of it is embarrassing. But I like to write it all down, in case when I'm older I'll look back on it and laugh like people say. I'll probably need the laughs by then. So I'm going to write about the time J.Lo and I rescued the alien, even though I still hope we are the are the only ones who will ever know about it. It's J.Lo who insists on calling it the time we rescued the alien and an alien did get saved, technically, so I suppose I can call it that too.

Anyway, it all started one night when J.Lo and I were sitting in the backyard.

I pointed at the sky. "Shooting star, make a wish!" I said, even though I was pretty old to think wishes come true.

J.Lo squinted at the sky. "Is not a star you know. Is a little rock."

I groaned. "I know, I know, it's a meteor, but don't get technical about this." Then I sat for a while trying to remember the difference between a meteor and a meteorite.

That was when I realized the thing was moving in a way rocks don't move. And I also realized "it" was just a light on something much bigger. I'm not going to repeat the word I said then.

"It's a spaceship," I said, once I had the swearing out of my system. "And it's really close."

For just a minute I wondered if someone had come to pick J.Lo up after all, but I know a Boov ship when I see one and this was something different. But I didn't have too long to think about it, because as I watched, the ship headed toward the lake and touched down on the other side.

"Oh bliblis, it came down near us!" J.Lo yelled.

Actually the word sounded more like two birds having a slap fight than it sounded like "bliblis." And I didn't ask him what it meant. In fact I plan on never asking him; I'm probably better off not knowing.

"We must go and see!" he proclaimed next. "It could be another enemy and we are the only ones to see it!"

Our house was pretty far from civilization, so it was actually entirely possible that no one else had realized what the light in the sky really was. That worried me.

"It's not a Gorg ship, and they'll never be back anyway," I said, trying to convince myself.

"No, is not Takers. But could be something bad. We will go now."

"Now, hey, wait a minute," I said. "This could be something that eats humans for breakfast and Boov for dessert. We should at least arm ourselves before we go off and-"

But it was too late. J.Lo was already trotting off toward the lake. I picked up something of his that looked like a little like a gun but was actually a yogurt dispenser and followed him. My mom was already asleep, and I didn't think she could handle any more aliens in her life right now anyway.

"Come on, come on," he was shouting, even though it takes hours to get around the lake on foot and neither of us knew how to drive a boat. (They didn't let me drive cars anymore, either, because I was too young to get a license. I thought that was pretty ridiculous after all the practice I'd had, to confiscate Slushious just because I didn't have a little piece of paper with an ugly picture of myself on it. But that's grown-ups for you. As for J.Lo, he never did get the hang of sticking to one side of the road. I suspect it's because he doesn't know right from left, but he's always denying it.)

Finally I caught up with him. "You really plan to walk all the way there?" I asked.

He nodded. "For the safety of planet Earth!" he said in a very determined way, especially for an alien. Then he looked curiously at my "gun."

"You will feed our new invaders yogurt?" he asked.

"Shut up."

He didn't actually eat yogurt anyway; he used it as foot cream. I was glad to see he was wearing his tool belt though. Maybe he had something in there that would help us.

J.Lo didn't usually have patience for walking, but that night we just kept trudging on. He was working on his threatening dialogue.

"Freeze where you are! Creatures from space, you are completed!"

"I think you mean "finished," J.Lo," I said.

"I did not tell you? Haveto changed my name."

I shrugged. J.Lo was always changing his name, and I never paid any attention.

"What did you change it to this time?" I asked.

"Harry Potter. Is very popular human name."

"He's a fictional character," I said. "From some books that came out years ago."

"Humans are more comfortable when you have a name they like. And is good boy name."

"Harry Potter is a boy, but he's a boy who does magic," I began, then gave up. If he wanted people to constantly ask him if he'd gone to Hogwarts, that was his problem. But I was still calling him J.Lo.

We were almost to the other side of the lake and could see the ship now, just a round shape on a small hill with the light off now. It somehow looked smaller than it had in the sky. Then I saw a jeep head up the road toward where the ship lay.

"That looks like the army," I said. "They probably had the ship on radar."

The U.S. military had reorganized itself after the Boov left, but it still wasn't quite what it had been. They kept reassuring us that they were constantly watching the skies for more aliens, though, and maybe they really were.

"Maybe we should leave the defense of Earth up to them," I said.

Not that I didn't have confidence in myself, mind you, but the army probably had something better than foot cream to fight with. Then again I wasn't entirely sure about that.

Finally we were on the other side of the lake, but we didn't get far before we saw a barricade with a soldier standing beside it. The Boov boy wizard whispered to me. "You talk with him; I will go through the trees forto see the ship."

It sounded like as good a plan as any other, so I went along with it and walked up the road to the barricade. The soldier was a bored looking white guy smoking a cigarette.

"Move along, there's nothing to see here," he told me. It was kind of a dumb thing to say since you could the charred vegetation the ship had left from where we were standing.

I tried to do my best impression of a confused, scared girl who'd just seen a UFO.

"That light in the sky. What was it? Is that why you're here?" I asked him.

"No," he replied, taking a drag on his cigarette. "That was... nothing. Nothing at all. Just a plane."

"It didn't look like a plane," I said, hoping J.Lo was hurrying.

"It was a weather balloon," the guy replied, looking nervous.

"Was it a Boov ship?" I asked.

"Of course not."

I kept up with the small talk and playing dumb until I heard J.Lo come back through the trees.

"What's that noise?" the soldier asked me.

"A weather balloon," I replied, and ran off to join J.Lo. No one followed me.

"I know what kind of ship it is! Is O'Krang ship," he said excitedly.

"What's an O'Krang?" I asked.

"Ni'Krang," J.Lo said. "Many O'Krang, one Ni'Krang."

"Will you get to the point?"

"Right. O'Krang are very peaceful and have a large planet already. I do not think they are coming forto take Earth. Anyway was ship for only one."

"Well, that's good news," I said. "Can we go home now?"

"Listen, listen," said J.Lo urgently. "I saw them put the Ni'Krang in a truck. And a man was saying they are taking him to Hospital Astor."

"Astor Hospital? I thought that was abandoned. I guess maybe the army took it over."

"You are not understanding! What if they are going to dissect him? Or do experiments on him?" J.Lo sounded almost desperate.

"I really doubt it," I said.

"But, but, have you never seen your famous Earth film E.T.? The government cannot be trusted with aliens."

"Actually, real life taught me that," I muttered.

"We mustto going to the Astor Hospital," he said.

"You've got to be kidding. It's at least another three hours away on foot."

J.Lo wiggled his body, a habit he picked up after unsuccessful attempts to shake his head like a human.

"No! We will go, and set the Ni'Krang free. They are very peaceful people. And I am not at all resentful about the intersolar stickyfish championship."

"We aren't starting a fight with the army, J.Lo."

"Harry Potter. And at least we will see and get help for him. Please, Tip?"

I sighed. I kind of owed J.Lo a favor, or maybe several favors. I thought it was a worthless trip and we'd only get thrown out by the army, but I didn't like saying "no" to him. And maybe he was right. Maybe right now some soldier was taking out his frustration with the Boov and Gorg on this innocent alien.

So we started off on our walk, trying to stay as far from the road as possible. I was worried that my mom would notice we were gone, but she by now she was used to me disappearing for a while now and then.

The walk was really, really boring. There was nothing to see in the dark and once we were headed the right direction there was nothing to do but put one foot in front of the other. J.Lo started singing "A Billion Bottles of Beer on the Wall," and got down to nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred seventy-seven bottles before I made him stop.

"Did you say something about a championship?" I finally asked him.

"The stickyfish championship. Their motivator was outside the blue ring. Everyone knows. But I am not bitter at all."

"Why exactly is it called stickyfish?" I asked.

"Because of the fish, of course. Only now we use artificial fish, but older Boov say that is ruining the game."

"Right," I said, as if he were making sense.

After a few moments of silence, I said, "Even if this Ni'Krang does need to be rescued, how are we supposed to do it? E.T. is only a movie. I can't put it on my bicycle's handlebars and go flying."

"Especially since they weigh about one hundred rin."

"How much is one hundred rin?" I asked.

J.Lo counted on his fingers for a full minute before answering, "Possibly two thousand pounds."

"No wonder they needed a truck," I said.

"They are like an Earth snail, but with no shell," he informed me helpfully.

"So you're taking me on a three-hour hike in the middle of the night to rescue a one-ton space slug?" I asked, with maybe a little bit of a shriek in my voice.

"Perhaps. But they are fairly kind and not at all warriors. Or good stickyfish players."

"I don't think I want to hear any more about stickyfish, J.Lo."

"Harry Pot--"

"I don't think I want to hear anything else about him either. Didn't my mom show you his movies, when you saw E.T.?"

"No. I did not know he was fictional. But she showed me your great Earth classic, Gone With the Wind."

I rolled my eyes and he must have seen it.

"You don't like Gone With the Wind?" he asked.

"Well, I like E.T. better, and I don't like E.T. that much either. Black people didn't exactly get to be the heroes in Gone With the Wind." I wasn't sure how much of this I really wanted to explain to him, but to my surprise he didn't ask me any more questions, just hummed a little tune to himself.

Astor used to be a mental hospital, and it sat all by itself in a big green patch of land. There was an old fence, but there was no one patrolling and it had a huge hole in it that all the kids knew about. Maybe that could be my explanation if we got caught, that some kids dared me to go in. Then again, I'd probably need a better explanation for why I had a Boov with me.

Sure enough, there were two jeeps and a truck in the parking lot and lights on inside.

"I guess the army did take over this place," I said.

"For their experiments on innocent alien beings!" said J.Lo.

I shook my head. "So how do you suggest we get in? You have a magic invisibility cloak?"

He didn't get the joke. "We will find the back door," he said.

The sun was coming up already, giving us a little more light to work with.

"There's bound to be a guard," I said, but we went along the inside of the fence until we saw a sign marked "Ambulance Entrance." Another uniformed soldier stood, smoking a cigarette.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Easy," said J.Lo. He lifted a round object from his tool belt and tossed it into the air. It flew about forty yards, then landed in some bushes and began making crashing noises.

"You brought a distraction?"

"Is really dish scrubber," he replied.

"There must be some pretty mean dishes where you come from."

Finally the soldier left the ambulance entrance to check what the noise was. When he reached the location of the dish cleaner, J.Lo whispered "Now, run!"

I should have hesitated and called the whole thing off, but instead I ran with J.Lo into the hospital. Luckily no one seemed to be in the hallway. Then again it was a big hospital and there had only been the two jeeps outside.

We ran into a room which fortunately was empty, and shut the door while we caught our breath.

"What would you have done if someone caught us?" I asked J.Lo.

"I would have given them the Boov paralysis glare and demanded they release the alien."

"There's no such thing as--"

"They don't know that," he said reasonably. "Now to find the Ni'Krang."

"It can't be easy to hide it," I said.

"Exactly so. It must be in a big room, with water. O'Krang like to stay very wet."

"A giant wet slug. How attractive."

We snuck along the deserted halls. I was prepared to dart into a room if I heard anyone, but I heard nothing but our own careful footsteps. Then there was another noise.

"It's water running through pipes!" I said triumphantly. "Let's follow the sound."

We kept walking until we saw a door labeled "Showers" and heard water splashing inside. That was when I finally saw a person, in a different room. A black man in a lab coat was looking at some X-rays on a big light box. He didn't see us, and he seemed to be concentrating on his work, so we managed to get through the shower room door without him noticing.

We were face to face with the Ni'Krang, which was reclining on the floor. With a flipper-like arm he held a hand shower and was sluicing water over his shiny skin. What did he look like? Well, like Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars, if Jabba the Hutt were made entirely of snot.

The Ni'Krang just sort of stared at us at first. Then J.Lo said, "Friend of space, we are here to rescue you!"

"Excuse me?" he replied. (He sounded like a boy to me, anyway.) "What do you mean, rescue me?" He spoke perfect English, with maybe a trace of a British accent.

"From the evil scientists who wish to dissect you! I am Harry Potter and this is Gratuity!" J.Lo continued.

The Ni'Krang laughed. "If you are Harry Potter then where are your glasses?"

J.Lo didn't get that either.

"And they will not dissect me. For me this is a very agreeable vacation, which I arranged for in advance."

"What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion.

He ran water over his back. "Visiting Earth is the done thing in high society this season. They bathe me with very pleasant X-rays, and are allowing me to sample the best of Earth cuisine."

"They are only feeding you for tests. To see what will poison you," J.Lo insisted.

If the Ni'Krang had shoulders, he would have shrugged. "Nothing poisons a Ni'Krang. And even if they did want to cut me up, when you cut up a Ni'Krang all you get is more of us."

"Did you know all that?" I asked J.Lo.

"Possibly," he replied.

"So you're really okay here?" I asked the Ni'Krang.

"Oh certainly. And in any case I don't need help from a Boov. Look at what happened with their conquest of Earth. They are no better at fighting than they are at stickyfish."

"You say that when you cheated?" asked J.Lo belligerently.

"It is you who cheated, Harry Potter. The green water was five feet away from your tracer. Everyone knows this."

"So basically you'd just rather we left so you can enjoy your vacation?" I asked. I was already planning how I'd pay J.Lo back for doing this to me.

"Certainly you may leave. And I must sleep. Tomorrow they will take me to the Happy Mouse Kingdom."

I wasn't certain how they would manage that. But I didn't have much time to think about it, because with all this discussion of how happy the Ni'Krang was we had forgotten about the army. The scientist I had seen looking at the X-rays came in, and blinked in surprise when he saw a young girl and a Boov talking to his prize alien.

"You will not capture me and cut me up," J.Lo said to him. Then he grabbed the nearest thing that looked like a weapon, which happened to be a fire extinguisher on the wall. Unfortunately he had no idea how to operate one, and he wound up spraying white foam all over himself.

"Help me, Tip!" he shouted, dropping the fire extinguisher.

I wondered if whatever they put in fire extinguishers was something that could hurt a Boov. The scientist was still standing there staring, so I ran over to the Ni'Krang, grabbed his hand shower and washed J.Lo down as quickly as I could. (For the record, O'Krang have a very pleasant smell. But it doesn't really make up for how they look.)

Then I grabbed J.Lo's hand and shouted, "Run!" We ran for the door on the other side of the room. By now the scientist was yelling for help, but we were already out the door and following the lit exit signs. Really they couldn't have made it easier to get out of the place. We could hear shouts and running feet, but we were out an unguarded side door before anyone got to us. After that we went through the hole in the fence and tried to lose ourselves in the trees.

"I do not think they are following us anymore," said J.Lo eventually.

"I don't either," I said. "And to tell the truth I don't think they really care so much. It's probably not even that big a secret that O'Krang like to vacation here. Especially if they're visiting the Happy Mouse Kingdom."

J.Lo looked at me sadly. "All I wanted to do was help, Tip."

"I know," I said. I should have been angry at him for dragging me into this, but by now really I felt sorry for him. It can't be easy to try to save your rival and have him rub it in your face.

We made it home without being followed, though it was late morning by the time we got there and my mom was pretty worried.

"What were you and Harry Potter doing?" she asked me. Apparently the new name had caught on with my mom.

"Rescuing E.T., only not really," I said. "If anyone comes here from the army tell them to go away."

"All right," said my mother, not sounding surprised at all.

Fortunately, no one ever showed up. So that's the whole story of how we tried to help someone and wound up looking like fools. You can see why I'd rather not publicize it. And I still don't laugh thinking about it; at least not much.

A few nights later we were in the backyard again and saw the O'Krang ship rise up into the sky.

"I hope he had a nice vacation," I said bitterly.

"I am certain he did. And they probably did not even cut him in two."

"The only thing worse than one of him would be two of him," I muttered. "So much for rescuing aliens."

"But you did rescue an alien! You wereto rescuing me from the evil foaming snake," J.Lo said.

"You mean the fire extinguisher?" I asked. "Yeah, I guess I did."

"Tip?"

"What?"

"Canto be my hero," he said.

I smiled. Sometimes I know why I keep him around.


End file.
